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THIS IS A SECTION ABOUT THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW IN THE SOUTH
So you're wondering what all the hype is
about this southern belle thing? Maybe you've met a southern belle. Maybe you 'are' a southern belle! Just what is a real
southern belle made of? Read on...
Proper Southern Belles...
*What they do NOT do*
1. Never blow their
nose in public.
2. Do not 'pass gas' in public. (Well yes,
they really do, but they look at the person next to them in shock and smile coyly)
3. Never wear white shoes or carry white
handbags before Easter or after Labor Day.
4. Never chase after a man... they connive
a man into chasing 'them'. Then act totally surprised when 'caught'.
5. Do not call men on the telephone.
6. Never eat large amounts in public...
they only nibble and say that they aren't hungry. (A southern belle will eat before a date, then again afterwards! It's not
until the 'date' is of a fiance status that a southern belle orders everything on the menu!
7. Absolutely NEVER sleep with a man on
a first date! (they get up and go home to do their sleeping!) A true southern belle never lets the man she's after see her
first thing in the morning until she's 'got' him.
8. Never sweat.
9. Never get nervous or anxious... They're
the picture of calm and control.
10. Never cuss above a whisper where others
might hear them. They use phrases like... 'oh my gosh', 'darn', and 'shoot'.
11. Never have a gray hair until
they're darn ready to have one!
Proper Southern Belles...
*What they DO*
1. Do get the man they want!
2. Know the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach.
3. Are extraordinary hostesses.
4. Always look thier best! Never a bad
hair day or never without the perfect thing to wear.
5. Can walk in heels like they're floating
on air.
6. Are always a bit mysterious.
7. Are witty and charming.
8. Throw the best parties.
9. Are the greatest cooks.
10. Have style!
Several Points to Ponder
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always
will be yours.
If it never returns it was never your
to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes
your money and never appears that you
actually set it free in the first place,
then you either married it or gave
birth to it.
IN THE SOUTH
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If
it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and
ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch,
don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't
try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals
and bait in the same store.
5. Do not buy food at the movie store.
6. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All
y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner
imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand
anyone. They don't understand you either. 10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary
is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced
dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned
in school is no longer proper.
12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense
here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South:
remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey,
y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals,
and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured
that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the
spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. The winter wardrobe you always brought
out in September can wait until November.
18. If there is the prediction of the slightest
chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter
if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
19. Satellite dishes are very popular in
the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind
that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through
a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
21. Florida is not considered a Southern
state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
22. As you are cursing the person driving
15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known
as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
23. You can ask a Southerner for directions,
but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Friendly Southern Advice
1) Don't order steak at the Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day; so let them cook something they know.
2)
Don't laugh at southern people names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther, Ray, Tammy Ann, Maribeth, Inez, etc.) These people have been
known to whip a man for less.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a whipping. Down south
its called Coke. It don't matter whether it is Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.
4) Don't show allegiance
to any college football team that isn't in the SEC. (Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, LSU, Florida, etc). All the others are
just a bunch of pansies that play teams like the Ohio State Buckeyes.
5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner, and Twain). We are also better
educated, and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Ted Turner of Turner Broadcasting,
Sam Walton of Wal-Mart). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Bill Clinton, David Duke, and Hee
Haw). We don't care if you think we're dumb because we will whip your tail.
6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity
is, so shut up, spend your money, and get the out of here.
7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will
instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like the Lord intended and don't put sugar on your grits.
8)
Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because
we don't care. If you don't like it here, go home.
10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy
northern games; so don't come down here asking the score because we don't care.
11) We know how to speak proper English.
We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we're saying. Southerners
understand what we're saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home.
12) Last, but not least. Do not come down
here trying to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This will get you shot. Question it and go home in a pine box.
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You know you're a Redneck...
...if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip"
on the side...
...if the biggest city you've ever been to is KMart...
...if your "working" T.V. sits on top of your "non-working" T.V...
...if you thought the Unabomber was a wrestler...
...if you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
...if you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of KMart...
...if a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars-worth
of improvement...
...if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher...
...if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
...if you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 m.p.h....
...if somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you
take them out to see what it is! |
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